What type of church do you attend?

McChurch

by Vernon C. Lyons

Ashburn Baptist Church

Our culture demands convenience Christianity. We want it short simple, fast and cheap.

The McBible does not have the tedious sixty-six books, but just a few with short sentences and simple words at the fifth-grade level. There are numerous pictures, and some pages have been ruled with lines so that you can add your own spiritual thoughts, just in case you get a new revelation.

The McWorship service is all sweetness and love, with nothing offensive.

The McSermon is easily digested with a minimum of nutrition and a maximum of fat.

Each McPrayer is centered on temporal and material things to keep the mind from wandering to the spiritual, which is often illusive for the modern American.

To keep the kids awake, the McHymns are done in hip-hop style.

McMarriages are performed for folk who like quickie relationships, and throw-away vows are the big feature. For those who still hold some traditional notions, there are premarital sessions with junk counseling.

The McPastor is a touchy-feely guy who majored in pop psychology and has an in-depth understanding of felt needs.

McSins, commonly called boo-boos, are easily forgiven with fast prayers and, of course, are soon repeated but not taken too seriously. There is an effort to virtually eliminate the negative and dwell completely on the positive.

This whole business is sustained by the McTithe, which is not ten percent but whatever stray pounds happen to be left in the wallet.

The McYouth program is short on Bible study and discipleship and long on fun and games. It's designed to give the kids what they want and to teen-sit them so their parents can go out and have fun in the evening without worrying about their kids getting into drugs and sex.

McChurch is staffed not by professionals but by hastily hired part-timers whose strongest spiritual slogan is "Have a nice day."

This is the church that offers McFellowship, which is not bonding but merely a quick "Hello," with a handshake, a hug and a hope that you do not become too responsible for the other person's life or spiritual well-being.

McSalvation does not have any deep doctrine of substitutionary atonement and regeneration, rather a simple human decision or a nod of the head is more than adequate to bring a person into McKingdom, where he hopes to live happily now and in the hereafter.

All of this ends up in McHeaven, where there are no golden streets but arches that appear over a broad entrance where the grill is scorching and the deep-fry grease super hot.

May I suggest that if you happen to be unfortunate enough to be attend this type of church that you find yourself an old fashioned, sin-killin', devil-hatin', bible-believin' and bible-preachin' church.

Jeremiah 6:16 says: "Thus saith the Lord, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls. . . . . . "

Yours truly,

Country Mama